wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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