I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
