Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
