He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
