sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
