Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
