Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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