his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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