i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
