Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
