I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
