i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Randomize
