i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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