Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Randomize
