Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
