Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you win again, gameday.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
