Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
