I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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