i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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