i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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