Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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