she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
