Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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