A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
