I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
