Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
