I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
