my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
