He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
