you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
