I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
