the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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