I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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