I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
