I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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