My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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