Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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