She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
