Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
