Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
