I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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