just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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