Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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