I puked a lego.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
