Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
