I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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