Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
