Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
