I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
