Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
