normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
