I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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