so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
